Say No To Perfect

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Taryn O'NeillI pretty much know exactly when I’ve had a serious epiphany and the direction of a project I’ve been struggling with is going to change… because I suddenly find myself re-arranging the living room or curling my hair. Today was one of those days. I changed clothes three times. I experimented with lipsticks. I rearranged my bedroom and closet. Only an hour before I had been hit with this brilliant insight, a long standing problem suddenly clear in its answer and execution, and all I wanted to do was… make things ‘pretty’. I felt like I couldn’t function unless I was in my most presentable of states. Is this just a simple case of unique procrastination, of being afraid of success or failing at the attempt? Partially. (Isn’t it always?) But what I think it also might be a reflection of, a thought that can extend to so many women, is the idea of only achieving success, or ‘winning’ if and only if we are at our most prepared… at our most perfect.

Media throws a lot of ideas at us as to what comprises perfection for a women: a perfect figure, stellar wardrobe, thick hair, smooth forehead, calm meditative mind, organized office, doting kids and husband, decorated home (with gourmet healthy food on the table), trained, prepared, researched and of course brilliant.

Think of the women out there who are the ‘super achievers’ as glorified by the media: Marissa Meyer, Sheryl Sandberg, Beyonce, even the queen of the have it all blog herself, Gwenyth. I get exhausted just thinking of their ‘perfection’ in every category.

But the media glorifies this physical manifestation of perfection; something that they can capture in a photograph and put on a front page. What I’m more interested in is how this pursuit of perfection can hurt the important goals and creative work that we are doing and how it stops us from sharing it with the world.

I keep saying that once I finish these 4 scripts I’ve been working on for the better part of 18 months I will be ready to truly put myself out there as a writer. But what does ‘finished’ mean to me? It means perfect. Perfect, by my standards, which encompasses a lot when they are primarily ambitious scifi scripts. The further I get into a project, the more research I do, the richer the world, the characters, the science and the conflict become… and the more daunting it becomes to execute the script in a clear effective impactful way. Thus the more rewrites it takes. I have this very lofty idea of what the ‘portfolio’ that will represent my talents should look like and gods forbid I am going to send it out into the world until they are done.

But are they ever really done? Aren’t I already a ‘writer’ in that I write and post articles here? And even if the scripts aren’t done, can’ t portions of them by consumed? Sent out? Discussed amongst peer groups? Is it perfectly crafted and edited specs sent to WME or is it nothing? The inner critic in my head tells me yes. It’s my version of perfect or nothing.

Does this sound familiar?

Two issues further complicate this ‘all or nothing’ mentality:

1) We live in an environment of ‘you get one shot to make your first impression’.   Hollywood, especially, has that reputation that people are looking for a reason to write you off.

2) There is the fear of permanence, created by the internet. You hear it all the time: you get one shot, the web is forever, don’t rush it until it is your best (but hurry up because everything is changing!).

Taking this into account with the expectations laden on women looking to succeed in a male dominated field, no wonder we retreat into our perfection cave!

So what do we do? How do we free ourselves of this perfection curse?

Tara Sophia Mohr talks about ‘stepping away from the white board’ in her Playing Big seminar. We stay at the thematic white board because we feel like we aren’t ready, we have to take one more course, do another month of research, make five more connections before we are ready to take our idea to the public. It’s apparently endemic in women. But in a majority of the cases, we’ve done enough work, both on ourselves and towards the project. We are ready.

So how do we make ourselves believe that?

Support each other more. Women hold each other to such immeasurably high standards. Perhaps it’s a genetic callback to our earlier ancestors competing for mates, but the scarcity model no longer applies. The idea of the multi-hyphenate super females has gone too far.

Embrace the idea that nothing will ever be perfect. Perfection is just in the eye of the beholder. It is subjective. It is fleeting. And it is also static. If something is perfect there is nowhere to go. And as you know, you’re traversing a pretty cool orbit.

What is important is how authentic your work is. Is your work a memorable extension of you? Then it’s ready to meet the world as you are unique, thus so is it. One of the most memorable words of wisdom I got as a beginner actor was that the more personal you become, the more universal it is. People like flaws, people respond to vulnerability, to the humanity in you. You are doing yourself a disservice if you aren’t sharing your truth through your work.

Want an example in Entertainment? Look at successful YouTube creators. The ones who are successful put out content multiple times a week, sometimes every day BUT it isn’t glossy or sleek. Look at Olga Kay, at Grace Helbig,  — their work is an authentic extension of their personality. They didn’t edit and filter it to perfection. If they had, their episodes would look like the plastic segments we see on Entertainment Tonight. No. Most of the time Grace and Olga look just like you and me, human… quirky…and beautiful in that they embrace their own uniqueness. What they say and create is engaging. And it keeps getting better the longer that they keep putting the work out there because of both the experience and the community that forms around them.

So even if you don’t think you’re ready, even if you’re 10 pounds from your goal weight to get headshots or two credits away from pursuing a new agent, a month away from starting a new script or networking with directors because you have a webseries idea that you want to shoot, JUMP. You will land. Shaky maybe. But who cares.

Take action, start networking, start your blog even if you don’t know code, fake it. Start writing the script — send scenes out to a friend. You never know if that person just heard from a director friend who is looking for a short to direct and suggests that the two of you meet up.  Embrace the plain white page as an invitation to adventure (even if you haven’t done enough research or finished your outline). Be original, be messy. Be bold.  The Germanic root of ‘bold’?  Putting your forehead into the fray – in Italian? Affrontare — to face, to deal with. I like to think of taking that action without makeup on, for the word also originates from the word ‘bald’: no cover to hide you.

Best will no longer equal perfect. Best will equal bold and authentic. With an expiration date on it if I stay too long at the white board … then ‘bold’ loses its B and just becomes old.

On a side note, I just unfollowed all my decorating, model, fashionista, celeb and beauty feeds on instagram. I want to see things that inspire me, people that I care about, not lives that are a set designed illusion. BUT…. In that same breath…even as I find myself gently bashing Gwenyth for her overly glossy lifestyle blog, she did post a lovely article on the idea of perfection where four top researchers on the topic (including my fav Brene Brown) share their thoughts. It is definitely a must read.

I thought this was going to be a little post but I feel like I could research and write a book on this topic! Would love to hear from you — please share your thoughts on this topic! We’ll conquer this together.