I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to sharing feelings or participating in the dating world. Far from it, actually. I’m what one would call a ‘late bloomer,’ I grew up a tomboy and opted-out of dealing romantically with boys through middle and high school, and even part of college. I’m glad that I was wise enough at such a young age to understand that my feelings or sense of love would be limited at that age, and travelling the world also helped. The drama that ensued a girlfriend’s break up at 17 just seemed ridiculous to me. At the age of 16 I knew that my number one goal was to graduate high school, then college and start working and traveling the world, and I was certain that no ‘guy’ or ‘silly feelings’ would get in my way. Overly independent at such a young age, along with my unusually high drive in ambition has allowed me such amazing experiences in my life…with the exception of finding true love. Now, let’s face it, a woman such as myself with the characteristics I just described is not going to be looking for it either. To be honest every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve treated with a bit of negligence…while being nonchalant and at arm’s length about it all, making sure that irrationality was not at play. Ever. I loathe drama, and there’s enough of it on screen and on the stage for me.
I’ve even tried the online dating only to be frustrated with the volume of disrespectful messages to the point where I couldn’t stay active for more than a month at a time. It was a hate and hate thing. I also have never had patience for the street cat calls, and am appalled by men who consider themselves Casanovas or ‘players,’ I could generally smell one from a mile away- I’ve even had one man stop traffic in a busy intersection just to get my phone number. Barf. That level of pursuit has always been a huge turn off, and just seemed overly desperate for no reason. These men don’t know anything about me or how amazing I am with just one look. And the fact that they are willing to put on such a circus for something relatively superficial set off red flags.
So, its safe to say that my skewed perspective on relationships was with some merit: always being one of the guys in the group and fully aware of what and how men think about women also didn’t help my situation, and neither did being a citizen of the world, and experiencing various cultures. While it did not diminish my sense of the IMPORTANCE of finding true love – someone who is your best friend and understands you, a person whom you never get tired of seeing, learning about, staring at etc.- it did however, make me feel as though my chances in finding it were slim to none. After all, they say the smarter the woman the harder it is to find the right man. And with my busy schedule, I never really stopped to think about it or even really cared, I was completely content and felt it was inevitable that I grow old, still single but with many fabulous friends and accomplishments and even with adopted children. I’m still a fan of that plan, by the way.
Alas, as a professional actress I felt finding love would be exponentially more difficult in the world of entertainment. Let’s be honest, male actors have a lot of stereotypes to live down: the narcissism, selfishness, competitiveness, questionable sexual orientation etc. etc.
However, in all the years of working in corporate America along with the entertainment world has allowed me to value my friendships even more. When you don’t have a ‘boo’ to be booed up with it allows for much more quality time with family and friends. While I’m never chasing love, I’ve gotten to the point where my recent relationships have actually inspired me as an actress and infused my performance. It was in my last project, Pulitzer prize-winning play Ruined where I played a lead ‘Salima, ’ who lost her baby and husband to the violent civil wars, where my ‘depth’ of love as an actress was a challenge for me. Channeling true, unconditional love for roles is new to me and while I had recently made plans to move away – Paris – to pursue the international film world, I feel that my recent relationship, friends and family, have effected the universe in such a way to provide me with such a bigger acting opportunity that I cannot leave. My relationships, ‘boo’ and platonic have inspired me unique ways that even my monologues have new breath and my dealings with other actors are with new respect and admiration. Being open to love is different than chasing it or feeling as though you cannot live without it. While I absolutely do not fall within the latter, the typical romantic, artsy-fartsy artist, that doesn’t mean I cannot appreciate it once I find it as much or more than said artist. Something as simple as being cognizant of my close family and friendship relationships is invaluable.
I now believe that the ability to love, once you are confronted with it, is crucial to all aspects of a performer’s life. Even a couple of years ago I couldn’t fathom entering a partnership – yes, a relationship – without treating it like a business deal…making sure it was mutually beneficial to all parties and making sure that it was drama-free and a logical decision. Now, I understand that taking the risk to open your heart to someone and allowing them to open theirs up to you, without judgment, adds such a layer to one’s performance. It can take you to that special Namaste place where an actor can reach into the depth of their soul to inspire a heart-wrenching monologue.
And that’s the key -word, taking the risk. We’ve all taken the risk to be performers; to stand naked on the stage for judgment, taking the risk in affairs of the heart is no different. The benefits, however, is life altering. That ambitious attitude must transcend all aspects of our lives and allow us to be change-makers in our world and truly live with a no-regrets approach. In French the saying ‘joie de vivre’ is one that towards the end of my 20’s I’ve just come to understand, it means ‘joy of living’ or ‘quality of life.’ Investing fully in one’s career is excellent, but to be completely fulfilled with various relationships (family, friends, loved ones) adds to life, a balance. A joie de vivre.