A few months ago I was walking out of an event, and in my bubbling little happy go lucky self I handed my valet ticket to the man behind the counter and smiled, “How are you tonight?” Feeling all confident, excited, and inspired by what I had just learned after hours listening to experts in the filmmaking field, I was not expecting the response on the other end. “Horrible, I hate this job.” He grumbled as he grabbed my ticket. I was taken aback, and then said in my most supportive voice “Well then why are you working here?” His face grew dark and he raised his voice at me, saying, “Because nobody will give me my big break, I’m a singer, and no one will give me a shot, no one will give it to me.” I stood there for a moment taking in his energy and I responded with my gentle understanding of years of experience doing a job I hate, waiting for someone to knock on my door and say, “Oh, there you are, I have been looking everywhere for you!” And said, “ and no one ever will, you need to choose yourself and give yourself the opportunities in life that you want, it is no one’s fault that you are where you are, you are the only one responsible for your future.” His face grew gentle and he said, “Wow I never thought about it like that.” As my car pulled up, I said, “Go out there and change your life, choose yourself and create work for yourself.” He smiled and said, “I will.” And I got in my car and drove off.
I really hope that man is changing his mentality, and his actions. Because I have learned, no one is GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU! That’s just not the way life works. Well maybe if you are born with a silver spoon dangling out of your mouth, and then maybe life would be too easy and you wouldn’t even try.
The whole drive home I contemplated over this conversation. I even probably forgot everything I learned at the event, as I couldn’t get this man’s words out of my head. Everything he said was, no one will give- me, me, me! And I grew frustrated at this mentality, and angry with this guy, only to realize I wasn’t mad at him. He had put a mirror up to myself and how I used to live my life in this place of frustration. And this conversation brought up all those yucky feelings, washing over me. And yes I had given up the frustrating beggar artist life, traded it for the extremely challenging entrepreneur life. But I realized as I drove home that I had forgotten to tell him “neither path in life is the easy path.”
At this point in my life I had been living out of a suitcase for eight months in order to make my second feature film a reality. I was exhausted as my husband and I traveled around the country living in other people’s spaces, trying to create our future film.
So let me rewind to the beginning of this journey and explain how I became a vagabond traveling homeless filmmaker!
Late August of last year, I packed a suitcase, boarded a plane and never returned to my apartment, and I never will.
Last year after accepting a crew position on an HBO mini series I packed one suitcase and headed to my childhood hometown in Massachusetts. A month into my job my husband/film partner called me and said, “I think we need to give up our apartment and move to your sister’s house in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin and get this script written and completed.” Well as you can imagine, my jaw hit the floor, and I began to have heart palpitations. “But I’m not even there to pack up the place!” I pleaded, as I looked at my one suitcase that was supposed to last me three months, thinking now must last me,,,, as long as need be. “Don’t worry I’ll take care of everything, and get our cars dealt with too.” His generosity to do everything made me feel guilty as my blood boiled inside, thinking about how I wouldn’t have closure with our beautiful gorgeous apartment and “life” in Hancock Park, California. I would never see it again, and for some reason I was shaking and unable to hold back tears. “Do you want to make a movie or not”? he asked sternly, “Yes” my voice quivered back. “Then we have to give it up!” he replied. Now let me just add here, we didn’t have money in the bank to shoot this movie, and everything was still in conception at the time, but truth was that after spending months trying to write a script in Google docs from different states with my sister, we realized it was becoming an impossible task. I nodded my headed, he was right, it was time to make a sacrifice to try and secure a possible future in filmmaking.
When my show ended in late November I boarded a plane and flew to my new home in Wisconsin, dealing with the sadness of ending a show, the loss of my beloved apartment, and the bitter cold of Northern America I fell into a depression and I struggled to wake up every morning to write the script with my partners. I have seasonal depression, and it happened to be the coldest winter in the area in 100 years. I struggled with keeping my positive attitude every single day. Most days were negative 30 below and we couldn’t even go outside. I felt like a prisoner and my soul was being crushed as I thrive off my afternoon walks in sunny California. My husband continued to encourage me as I struggled with the unknown, the risk we were taking with no guarantee. His optimistic attitude kept me going, and I am so grateful for such an amazing partner. There were days when I didn’t even want to be in my own skin, I hated myself, and I thought I was spiraling into a hole I would never crawl out of. I love my sister and her family, but as someone who thrives off being busy, it was hard to write for four hours a day, and then sit in a house waiting for time to go by. I longed to return home, and be active in my social community. Honestly those three months were a very low time for me, and without seeing the end of the tunnel I began to lose hope. I kept thinking, “This movie better happen, we better get the money, this better pay off.” And when January rolled around and the script was in a good place I pleaded with my husband to head back west. After acquiring so many locations, and help from the community of Chippewa Valley, we were certain we would shoot the movie there in June of that year, but I couldn’t spend another day in the gloomy cold weather. I was worried my depression wouldn’t lift, and I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I had to find sunlight, and I had to find it fast.
John and I packed up my car, and left in the end of January, driving 23 hours straight from Wisconsin to Albuquerque, NM.
The next day it was 70 degrees in NM and as I dragged my dog on a three-hour walk, I felt the sadness lift and my spirits rise. I learned seasonal depression is a REAL thing, and I REALLY have it. I now know my limits, I can’t be in cold weather for long periods of time, but BOY am I thankful we did it.
BECAUSE In the end we DID complete production on our feature film (a story for a future article)!
Fast forward to today, in hindsight, the courage and determination that we put into creating this project was “Worth It.” Everything we sacrificed, led to one of my most incredible life experiences to date, that I will cherish forever. I’m so glad I am not bitter and angry, waiting for someone to GIVE it to me, I grasped the opportunity and ran with it.
And all the things that seemed so important to me, our apartment (a few walls, a room and a kitchen), all my belongings trapped in storage (can’t even remember what’s in there) and a place to call my own (I never owned it anyway), are NOT even close to my most precious possession NOW, the shiny silver hard drive sitting on the counter. Inside it holds my hopes, dreams, and FUTURE.
And believe me this life as an artist is HARD, but remember if it were easy everyone would be doing it!
Now after a year on road and serious dedication, we have moved into post production on my film “Catching Faith.” Please check out the indiegogo link, and share this amazing story of faith, family and football!
http://youtu.be/qPf-njLh8fg