I made a mistake six years ago; I engaged with a bully. I let my immature, reactive 23 year-old self spit fire and now I seem to be paying the price. Let’s start from the beginning.
I had just graduated from acting school, bright eyed, bushy tailed, and very green and stumbled upon a mutual “friend” and high school alumni on Myspace (I know, right?). After seeing that she was also in LA pursuing a career in acting, I sought advice; I messaged her asking about everything from the best photographers for headshots to how I should go about getting an agent — I wanted to know where to start from someone who seemed to be “doing it”. (Ironically, I now write for an incredible blog that offers up all that council and more).
Well. She was less than flattered by my email, and began by telling me she had no idea who I was, even though she knew my sister, then she proceeded to “advise” me that I had no talent, weak headshots, and that she had no interest in recommending me to her agent, and how dare I ask a favor of such magnitude from a stranger. First I was confused, since I did not ask for any of the “favors” she listed. Then I was hurt and embarrassed, and I did something I’m not proud of — I retaliated. I defended my words, though I wasn’t sure why I had to defend a few general questions. I tried to explain that I was not asking for anything more than guidance from a fellow “actress”. Then I got mad… who was she to tell me I had no talent? (I thought she didn’t even remember me, after all.) I cited her “bikini girl” credits and casually mentioned that her looks would only take her so far, especially when she lacked grace and manners. I let someone’s hurtful, cruel words affect me so much that I sunk down to their level and fired back with insults and ugliness. And so began an exchange of blows that didn’t end well, but ended, or so I thought.
Last year, I signed up for Model Mayhem (an online community where photographers and models/actors exchange talent and time for portfolio building — noobs, it’s a great way to hone your look and build a photo library!). I was in need of updated photos after losing a fair amount of weight post-breakup, so I thought why not try something new. My inbox was flooded with shoot requests and I ended up meeting three very talented photographers, and taking some more-than-decent pictures (or so I thought). One day I got a random email from a “male photographer”. Though it’s personally mortifying, I know I’m not alone in this new faceless cyber-bullying world; so here is the email, uncut:
“Did you change your last name? You’re not 25 years old- you look like you’re 30. Why do you lie about your age? That gets you nowhere in this business! Don’t you know, the “Hollywood age” for a wannabe past her prime is 24, if you’re gonna be so bold as to lie about it. You are not a model- you don’t know how to strike a pose to save your life! Everything looks so forced and unnatural; You are a mouth-breather in almost every photo. Looking for newbies willing to waste their time photographing an amateur such as yourself, no doubt, so that you can have photos to put up on your personal website to make it seem like you’re doing something with your time. It’s obvious you made THAT site yourself, btw. People like you make a mockery of genuine talent on here.
You don’t have ANY REAL credits on IMDb (you’ve done a few crappy looking student films with your buddies to get anything up on there at all), and you don’t LOOK like anything CLOSE to a model, don’t have a modeling agent….I’m betting you’ve never even booked a PAYING campaign. (Playing a cartoon character at an event doesn’t count). You claim to be an actor, but you have ZERO credits to your name. No television, no film…and a stage actor at that, makes me cringe. Sigh. Please, spare yourself anymore embarrassment and get off our site. It was meant for talented industry professionals, a means to network with LEGIT talent working (that means being paid, and making a name, not doing favors for friends making ‘movies’ in their basement) in the entertainment business. Why don’t you stick to dressing up as a ‘princess’ for kiddy parties, Honey. Obviously, you ain’t got what it takes, and age and looks certainly aren’t on your side.”
I felt violated. Even though the email was veiled in a pseudo name and fake professional email address, it was obviously someone who knew me; the specifics were too detailed and it contained personal information that wasn’t available by a Google search. I couldn’t help but think it was HER. Could she still carry all that anger, then target me, cyber-stalk me, and hit on all my personal insecurities and worries? Did it make her feel better to tear me down? Did it make her feel powerful to hide behind a computer screen under a fake name, with hate pouring through her fingertips? Did it work, did she actually hurt me, with a computer? After many tears (yes it hurt), I chose to not do what I had done five years previous; I chose not to respond. I did not re-engage. Because what if I was being paranoid and it wasn’t actually HER, but some random person hating me from a distance. Well…
Around noon on October 13th 2013 this comment was left on my very first Ms. In The Biz article:
“How is this Amber person even relevant? You are acting like you are giving some kind of glorious life-saving advice about being an actress, but you have been in NOTHING LEGITIMATE or recognizable yourself…just a bunch of ‘indie’ projects no one will ever see. It’s laughable to learn that Amber insulted a rising, successful actress years ago by telling her that her looks would only get her so far, and yet this actress I speak of is already experiencing far more success than Amber probably ever will. Bravo.”
Now I knew it was her. This time I didn’t get sad, at least not for me. This behavior is unacceptable–it’s BULLYING and it’s NOT OKAY. Enough is enough. My job (my paid acting job) is a touring play where I see thousands of high school students throughout the school year, so I see firsthand the effects of teenage tormentors and the hopelessness it generates. I cannot imagine being a teenager and dealing with rounds of assaults from cyber bullies. I can barely handle it as an adult. It hurts, and whether you engage or disengage, some bullies never stop. Hate brings hate and nasty intimidations have devastating and often fatal ramifications. Why is this the new norm? Why is cyber bullying even an option on someone’s list-of-ways-to-spend-time? If we can’t stop doing it to each other as adults, how can we expect teens to stop? I’m not an expert, I don’t have the answers. But I can start a conversation – having been a victim and a violator – I can try to stop it in my own world and hopefully make someone else think twice about what they put in writing. Because there is always a human on the other end of your words.
On a professional level, I have always been vehemently against the female oppressor in the industry; we are all on the same team, fighting for the same thing and should encourage each other for stepping out every day, bravely, to pursue our dreams. It’s hard enough having to deal with the daily struggles solo, we shouldn’t have to also endure catty, jealous, savage harassment from our fellow women; we should celebrate other women’s victories for they only open doors for the rest of us.
So here I am asking you, my Bully, to STOP THIS. I’m sorry for the animosity and immaturity I displayed six years ago, and I ask you to please accept my apology and move past this once and for all. You’re better than the coarse words you carelessly throw my way, and I am better than the image you paint of me. Let us save our energy for the demanding career path we have chosen and fight not each other, but fight to keep our head above water in this incredible crusade of life.
For more information on how to stop Bullying: http://www.pacer.org/bullying/nbpm/
And please support the makers of the incredible film BULLY: http://www.thebullyproject.com/