I am a self-confessed, classic, parent-pleaser personality. As performers and artists and women who are reading this article, I’m sure many of you can relate. As a cherished member of my family I was taught at a young age to give back by fulfilling other’s expectations of me: to perform, to say “the right thing” and to keep my family happy. These behaviors were commonly reinforced with positive feedback for being, “sweet” “pretty” and “talented”. However, as an adult seeking a career in the entertainment industry, this parent-pleaser tendency doesn’t always work in my favor.
Have you ever walked into an audition and found yourself suddenly punched in the face with a plastered smile, nodding incoherently like a zombie at each and every word said by the casting director/producer/camera guy/whoever??? Well, so have I. Then you walk out of the room and wonder, “Wow, did they see anything, uniquely, ME in there?” and the answer is, as you wait by the phone for that callback that never comes (OKAY, most of us are running around to our three side gigs, going to Pilates and meeting with our writing partner- but “metaphorically” waiting for that call) NO they did not see the real you, because you were too busy trying to be pleasant rather than showing up as your authentic, fabulous, CONFIDENT self. You were committing the deadly sin of telling the audition room how nice and pleasant you are rather than showing them what a great personality you have and what you can bring to the table with your acting like boom. Same words apply to the agency meeting, investor pitch, casting director general, and the many other stepping stones that we journey on to build a career as strong forces in entertainment.
Another way we can sabotage our own confidence is by being unsure of our choices in the room. We have some thoughts on how this character could be played and maybe we are headed in the right direction? *bats eyes, searching longingly for approval.* The parent-pleaser attitude has done us in again. NO! These are my thoughts on the character, this is how MY being presents itself in THIS moment with THIS material, and hey, if THEY don’t get it, that’s fine, but I am walking out of that room with my head held high. I have SHOWN UP as my authentic self, with no apologies.
And gosh darn it I know they will remember you when you treat your performance with full confidence. The classic audition mistake is to treat that time as a chance to be validated for how great you are doing, and to try on a character and see if they like your choices. No. It is a time to give a performance. Even if there is very little information to go on, you make a choice, and roll with the feedback you get in the room. It is not practice, it is your opportunity to perform. And it is your opportunity to ask a few questions, and get that intuition whether this project is on the right page with you artistically.
To quote Madyson Taylor, co-founder and editor-in-chief of TheDailyOm.com:
“Your worth is not a product of your intelligence, your talent, your looks, or how much you have accomplished… You are born worthy—your worth is intertwined with your very being. Your concept of your own self-worth is thus reinforced by your actions. Each time you endeavor to appreciate yourself, treat yourself kindly, define your personal boundaries, be proactive in seeing that your needs are met, and broaden your horizons, you express your recognition of your innate value.” [Full Article]
So when I say, “Be Aggressively Confident” what I mean is become a full manifestation of your innate worthiness. Stand in your being, and confidently be you. Go after what you want, and look no-where else for validation, because you are validating yourself each and every time you walk into an audition with your head held high, each time you ask questions, each time you reach out to collaborate and create art, each time you follow through with new contacts, each time you show up prepared and ready to rock. Each time you do those things you are reinforcing the innate confidence within your being. You are strengthening the muscle that will allow you to stay grounded when that big opportunity DOES come your way.
I want to leave you with a small story to demonstrate how this shift in perspective hit me over the head like a ton of bricks this summer. I had a meeting with a director, who also happens to be a well-known comedic actor. I was meeting him regarding a serious side project/development project of his that is currently manifesting as a web-series for a dramatic one-episode role. I came recommended from a mutual friend. I thought that this meeting was to discuss the shoot. I thought I already had the part. I had NO idea it was an audition and that he had met with 10 other potential actresses to play this role. So I came having read the script, already chewing on how I was going to play such a wounded and heart-wrenching character, and asking all the questions you ask your director before you get to set. I had no concept of “pleasing” or “winning” this part. I was just thinking, how the heck am I going to figure out this character who is in tears throughout her entire story arc? I was thinking like an actor who had something to figure out and somewhere to go.
And guess what? I got the part. And I laughed my ass off. Because I thought it was mine all along…