My title is both a metaphor and the absolute truth of my experience in life thus far. Of late, I CAN find my keys almost all of the time… a serious accomplishment if you knew me back in my early twenties. In addition to being able to find my keys, I now put every appointment and obligation neatly into my iphone…no more notes taken on cocktail napkins and crumpled receipts. Furthermore, I’m married, have a dog, and rent a cute little house in Hollywood with a white picket fence. These days I know I come across to some as a pretty normal, even-dare I say-organized person. I wasn’t always like this, but I’ve certainly done a lot of work to become this. That being said I can’t help but wonder if all of the changes that I’ve made over the years, and my dedication to maintaining stability has taken a toll on my art? Well, truth be told, I know it’s taken a toll… The question for me now is, what am I to do about it?
When I look back to when I was in college receiving my B.F.A. in acting, I was definitely living the life of an artist, and I was very happy. I felt like I had talent and an artistic voice that needed to be heard, and I worked very hard, devoting all of my time and energy to school. Unlike, a lot of college students, I didn’t sleep much. In fact I seemed to work best under a deadline in the wee hours of the morning when everyone else was sleeping. I had a near perfect G.P.A., and the respect of most of my professors. However, if you emptied my purse at any given moment…you would probably be amazed/disgusted at the randomness of it all. You’d be more likely to find 5 lighters (Sidebar: none of these lighters were mine; I was an unconscious lighter clepto) then my driver’s license. I also had this thing that I did with my hair. I’d pull at it strand by strand to the point where I started losing my hair as a result. My house was pretty gross unless I got inspired to clean it. I found 3 cups of coffee in my bedroom with mold growing on top once. My roommate, Lindsay, who was also an artist was the best roommate I could have ever asked for at that time. Though she wasn’t nearly as messy as me (she liked to keep her room neat and tidy), she didn’t give me too hard of a time whenever I lost my keys or neglected to take the trash out. In fact, it was the first and only time in my life that I could be completely myself, and that was a glorious feeling…because I felt truly free…
Maybe as we grow older and become adults, being totally free is not really an option… well not if you have some sense of responsibility (of course, many artists don’t…). There are bills that need paying, family and friends that require our love and attention, basic human decency, our own physical and mental health to maintain, and then finally art and actualizing. Truth be told, I don’t want to be totally “free” anymore… to be totally “free” looks pretty lonely to me. I love my family and friends deeply, and I’m happy to nourish and maintain those relationships in exchange for some of my freedom. I also feel fortunate to have discovered a love for fitness, health, and wellness. Though not my intention when I first started working out (I thought I just wanted to be skinny…) the best thing that has come out of it for me is that I don’t suffer from sometimes severe and debilitating depression the way I once did when I was drinking, smoking, and eating garbage. Of course, if someone wanted to pay all of my bills, that is one responsibility I wouldn’t mind relieving myself of : ). I’d also smoke cigarettes like a fiend if there was a way I could do it without killing myself, but since neither of those things are likely to ever happen, it’s probably best that I let it go. So that leaves me with ART and actualizing. To be perfectly honest, I’m constantly contemplating life and it’s meaning so maybe that’s a less pressing concern of mine. But, my ART seems to have been kicked into a corner, and even in this list of priorities in my life it was listed last which is telling in and of itself.
I’ve thought a lot about college over the years so much so that I’ve worried that I “peaked” during that time, making me the kind of person who constantly looks back to the glory days of their youth with longing. That’s still my choice, I suppose. I could allow college to be the “be all end all” for me. But, that’s not why I’m writing this blog. I want to solve this for myself, and create at least a few more cherished memories in my life of artistic output before I die. So no, I’m not some sad, stuck person looking back with longing. I’m looking back for answers, for a connection to something very valuable to me.
So what is it? What do my most fertile years as an artist have to teach me now? Well, one thing is that back then, I valued art deeply. It was a top priority. I saw it’s potential to change lives. I marveled at its beauty. I cherished it. Most importantly, I believed in my own artistic voice and my potential to make an impact on others with it. So for me, if I really want to bring ART back into my life, the first thing that I’m going to have to do is believe in myself again as an artist. It seems that’s probably going to be my biggest challenge.
There were years that I worked hard to make an acting career for myself thinking that I needed permission from others to believe in myself… But, people believe in those who believe in themselves, right? And, finally I have to stop letting art be an afterthought… something I do if I have time for it. All of those other things: relationships, financial security, health and wellness are all still important to me, but I don’t think it’s impossible to add ART back into the mix of things that are really important to me, and require my attention on the regular. My particular personality seems to do best creating when I am alone without the hint of anyone else needing me. I need to start scheduling time for me to “create.” I have several projects in the back of my mind that I’ve been putting off, and it’s probably time for me to get new headshots and sit down with my agent. It’s time for me to delve in again knowing and connecting to how important this is for me.
The funny thing is that when I first came up with the idea of this blog, I didn’t really know what I’d say. I wasn’t sure if there was a way for me to be both an ARTIST and someone who can find her keys. But, I’m happy to say that after days of contemplating what I’ve wanted to say and exploring this idea with myself, I’ve come to believe that the person I am today IS capable of being an artist and knowing where her keys are… I just need to do it.