“The strongest oak tree of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It’s the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.”― Napoleon Hill
In so many ways this wonderful quote by the late, great Napoleon Hill describes precisely what we as humans must embrace if we are not only to survive life’s slings and arrows, but thrive.
Setbacks, curve balls, crisis, mishaps, adversity…these are just some of the phrases to describe life’s little hassles and not so little challenges and no one is exempt. No one. Every living person has had to deal with setbacks. It’s part of life and on some level it is these very setbacks that bring out the best in us and show to ourselves as well as to the world what we are made of. How well we bounce back is an indicator of how successful we will become, and the good news is we can develop this trait. Resiliency expert Mary Steinhardt, Ed.D., professor of health education at the University of Texas at Austin explains “We need stress to grow, it’s like working out: You’re not going to get stronger unless you stress the muscle. And if you don’t work out, you’ll atrophy.”
This speaks volumes to me. For the last 33 years my home away from home has been the gym and as a certified fitness trainer since the early 90’s I know first hand how important it is to stress your muscles in order to make them stronger and help them grow as well as beautifully sculpt them. I wanted and needed to know more about developing this resiliency trait beyond what I already possessed as I had had a recent set back of my own so this was critically important to me.
On June 22nd, 2014 I was involved in a four-car accident that totaled my brand new car (thankfully it left my body in tact). Yes went to the ER, yes got a lawyer (I was an innocent bystander), yes seeing a chiropractor 3x a week for the next 8-12 weeks and yes I will get past this, but without going into all the gory details it has turned my life upside down for many, many reasons so for the moment I am living through a nightmare on a daily basis. I have had to dig deep to keep these turn of events in perspective because I’ve just moved to LA (7 months ago) and had just gotten myself settled, financially speaking when this happened so now I’m having to stabilize myself all over again.
Turns out there are several factors that contribute to one’s ability to deal with adversity and come out ahead. One of the most important being one’s mindset or their inner dialogue if you will. Telling yourself a hundred times a day or more if necessary that you are strong and that you can and will get through this. One of my favorite mantra’s is “and this too shall pass.”
I happened upon a great article from CNN by Jancee Dunn atHealth.com that provides 5 skills to embrace that will serve to enhance one’s resiliency abilities. Listed below are the key points of those 5 factors.
1. Choose to be a survivor
“…Bounce-back women do what Nora Ephron famously recommended (“be the heroine of your life, not the victim”) and avoid “negative scripts,” say Robert Brooks, Ph.D., of Harvard Medical School and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., of the University of Utah School of Medicine, authors of The Power Of Resilience. Brooks and Goldstein say that a major step toward resilience is to recognize that we are the authors of our lives, able to change the action.
Bottom line: You can’t always control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude and enact change when bad times hit.”
2. View setbacks as temporary
“The most resilient people have what shrinks call an “internal locus of control” — in other words, they believe that the actions they take will affect the outcome. So they don’t take losses personally or lump defeat into bigger, scarier patterns. They realize that a setback such as a layoff or conflict at home can be a challenge and an opportunity, notes New York psychotherapist Jeffrey B. Rubin, Ph.D., author of The Art of Flourishing. “Success is often an obstacle to learning,” he says. “When everything is going well, we continue to do what worked, and we don’t learn much. But a crisis can lead to a breakthrough.”
3. Think out of the oh-no box
“An unforeseen mishap causes many of us to freeze, paralyzed by indecision and fear. But flexibility is one of the core characteristics of highly resilient types. To get un-stuck during a crisis, train yourself to ask—and answer—these questions, says Karen Reivich, Ph.D., co-director of the Penn Resiliency Project at the University of Pennsylvania.
• What other things might have contributed to this problem?
• If I shared this issue with my friend, what would he/she see as having caused it?
• What parts of the problem can I directly control? Influence? Leverage?
• What solutions have I not tried?
If you tap into your inner MacGyver and get into the habit of devising new ways of doing things, “you’ll be able to solve problems more easily when you do get stressed,” says Bobbi Emel, a psychotherapist in Los Altos, California, and author of the Bounce blog.”
4. Dote on yourself
“Physical health is a pillar of resilience. Before and during a crisis, it’s essential to have healthy habits such as eating well, exercising, and avoiding mood changers like alcohol and other vices. (Interestingly, a 2007 study of residents living near the 9/11 attacks in New York City found that the people who coped best—meaning they showed the fewest signs of post-traumatic stress disorder—were the least likely to smoke cigarettes or use marijuana.)
In tough times, rest can be the first thing to go, so bring it on with sleep-promoting habits like exercise (another crucial building block for resilience, because it controls levels of cortisol, the stress hormone).
When it comes to coping, yoga is especially beneficial. A recent study from Harvard Medical School tracked a group of students over the course of 11 weeks. One group did a standard gym regimen, while the other one practiced yoga. At the end of the study, the yoga students reported that they were better able to calm themselves down when they felt upset. “Yoga promotes self-regulation, which is the ability to step back from a situation and not be reactive,” says Jessica J. Noggle, Ph.D., one of the researchers.”
5. Don’t go it alone
“One of the myths about the highly resilient is that they possess unique internal strength that they rely on in the face of adversity. Not necessarily: The Teflon types are actually likely to reach out to others for help…Connection is really the key. So in order to fortify your coping skills, it’s important to build up as many meaningful relationships as possible. A 2010 study in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that participants who plunged their hand in icy water were able to keep it there twice as long if they thought of five of their social groups (as opposed to others, who were told to picture one group they belonged to). This, along with previous research, led the researchers to conclude that being part of many different groups—work friends, neighbors, volunteer gatherings—is critical.”
This image below seems to sum up well how to process a setback and move beyond it and come out on top.
So if you feel like your set backs are getting the best of you try following the five listed skills and triumph over the inevitable and come out on top.
Til next time…Victoria xox