…and don’t mess with this Ms. in between!
I promised myself on New Year’s Eve, (and about a million times/every year before then), that in 2016, I would really focus on the things and the people who were most important to me. No more fear of, “What will he/she/they think if I say no or yes?” or, fear in general of being myself 150% of the time, regardless of anything or anyone! No more allowing myself to be taken advantage of- in my personal life and/or in my professional life! I am going to give back more, be more specific about my goals and only surround myself with positive, uplifting people and while I LOVE helping others, I was finally going to help myself! I was a new woman and it felt fabulous!
Then, the champagne wore off and reality hit me. After I had a good, long, chuckle at my own expense, I found myself asking, “How the h-e- double-hockey-stick am I going to focus on just myself?!” It’s always been SO much easier and more fulfilling for me to focus on everything and everyone else, I didn’t even know where to begin. It took me a minute to really take in why I would rather focus on anything but myself and then, it came to the surface and it was a hard, big, pill to swallow. I realized, that over time, I had allowed myself to become a four letter word that I despise…..LAZY. (AHHH! Just typing it makes me cringe.) I can hear the thoughts of what those of you who really know me, are thinking now: “No way! Burgandi, you are the furthest thing from Lazy!”, Right?! I know! I thought the same thing too. Trust me, I argued with myself for hours! But alas, ‘tis true. Hi, My name is Burgandi, and I allowed myself to become lazy.
Now, let me clarify the definition of “lazy”, well, in the way that I discovered it to be true for myself. I am not a bump on a log, who lacks motivation, drive, ambition and hates hard work…in fact, I am the exact opposite of that. However, I believe that being a lazy person isn’t something you are born being, nor is it something you cannot change, but we are ALL susceptible. It is possible to slip into the deep, dark, head space and I know first hand, it is NOT pretty in there sometimes! This leaves a lot room for procrastination, excuses and most of all, the choice we make to “feel overwhelmed”. Hence, begins the process of piling on “busy” things to do, mostly for other people and that new-found workout routine and regimen of reading, writing or even putting yourself out there, starts to slowly become null and void. You just aren’t as excited, as you were about it before. You start to question yourself. Doubt sets in and you wonder, how you ended up in the same social circle with certain “friends”. You realize that you are surrounded by energy vombies, (vampire+zombie), and/or negative, envious, unbalanced and sometimes, straight up cray-cray people! Sound familiar? If so, keep reading. If not, I think you’re lying. Just sayin’.
This constant place of discovery and growth is something I openly admit to struggling with… and while I have no shame about it, it’s ALWAYS a moving target… and I know I am not the only one who feels this way. The most important thing about this for me, was that I could finally zero in on why I was feeling so unaccomplished, tired, defeated, anxious, insecure, etc. It wasn’t that I wasn’t doing enough on a daily basis and checking all of my tasks off of my check list, I just wasn’t doing it from a place within that was fulfilling. On top of that, I was creating more and more “busy work”, I.E. “I’m SO busy, I had no time to walk my dog, work out or leave my house.” and while I needed to do some social media networking/work, I didn’t need to make it my life, everyday!
So, I started slowly getting back to the basics. My basics. Which were hard to find, since I had spent so much time and energy on things and people that were hindering my ability to focus on who I really was and the direction I wanted to go. I started by doing little things i.e. using my planner and calendar again and writing down things I needed/wanted to accomplish, in order of importance. I began filling my schedule with the things I loved; giving back, dance, singing at the top of my lungs, acting classes and positive articles/daily affirmations etc. Guess what!? Slowly, I noticed that I was being surrounded by positive people who are beautiful on the inside and out, great opportunities, I looked at myself differently in the mirror every morning and overall, I just felt…happy! But, not all of it was roses. There are always unpleasantries associated with discovery. I had to make several difficult choices, for myself. It was difficult to have to cut loose individuals, who I knew I could not be the kind of friend they needed right now, or ever. I never, ever, want to be intentionally hurtful, but I had to be realistic. I even looked back on the friends and discovered, we no longer speak and realized that I was probably on the other end of the table at one point and while it’s not fun, nice or ideal, it happens. And it’s OK.
You have to take out the trash! (as Leah Cevoli says here– page #41!)
Take care of YOURSELF, focus on loving YOURSELF and live YOUR life to the fullest. YOU are never alone, YOU are a beautiful human being and YOU deserve all of the amazing things, life has to offer.
Onward and Upward!
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