Sitting in the casting office surrounded by a pool of petite, beautiful women, I suddenly become hyper-aware of my breast size, waist size, and hair color; “I’m definitely the wild card here…”
For years I have fought my rep about my brand and for years I have lost. Even at my thinnest/most hungry (a size 2) I never felt “good enough” to be in the room with ‘drop-dead gorgeous models with perfect bodies’, not because I don’t think I’m beautiful or talented, but because I am not a ‘drop-dead gorgeous model with a perfect body’. The thing is, I’m okay with that…what I am not okay with is feeling like, “I don’t belong here.” Time and time again, agent after agent, I get roped into accepting a “hot girl” persona, and as I tug at my tight dress while waiting, and dread having to negotiate a nudity clause should I get the offer, I feel incredibly self-conscious…
Problem is, I’m a weird IN BETWEEN, kind of actress: I am not character enough to be a character actress and not flawless enough to be a leading lady, which confuses the hell out of agents and managers–so they go to the default and send me out for things I know deep down I’m not really right for; because I want to work I audition, because I’m attractive I sometimes book, but because it’s not really me, I ALWAYS feel out of place.
It’s fascinating to me that actors and actresses often see themselves as something other than what they go out for/book/what others see them as. Many of us want to believe we can do anything (hell, our pre-hollywood training led us to believe we were versatile artists with RANGE, there was nothing a Ben Nye make up kit and grey wig couldn’t fix, and there was no role we couldn’t go out for), and many of us try desperately to either break out of the “box” or we are forced to conform to the brands others have assigned us.
As an artist you must know WHAT you are selling, cultivate your brand and become fully articulate in your type/persona. One must either accept what you’re being sent out for and re-consider that your “type” may be a departure from how you see yourself, or (in my case) stop pretending to be something you’re not and find a brand or persona that is authentically YOU.
I decided that no one wins when I’m sitting in casting office next to a blonde with fake boobs, and it was time for a change. I don’t want to be the “hot girl,” I never have, and I am tired of turning down auditions that I know I am not right for. So, I have decided to do a re-brand; no longer will I feel inferior in the room or hold myself to unfair criteria. I know I am talented enough to carry a film but I’ve been fighting this whole “hot girl” battle for years–no amount of classes or prep talks will change the fact that when I walk into the room, I’m not the thinnest or the prettiest woman in the room, and worse, I am not my most confident self in those rooms. I no longer want to pretend that I would rather be sent out with models than with quirky, “real” women–I want to be judged for my humor and talent and not by the perkiness of my breasts. It’s exhausting trying to compete with the models and fresh-faced talent pool, I really like food…and I really like my face.
So 2014 is about acceptance: of my face, my body, of AMBER. New pictures. New brand. New ME. No longer will I judge myself for not being the thinnest or the prettiest–I will own what I do have to offer, sit confidently in the room as Amber, not as some untrue version of myself, and not let skewed and laughable standards fog my vision or obstruct the end goal.
What are some ways you are going to tackle self-doubt and conquer your career in 2014?