Sometimes, when you’re living your life and things are kind of awesome, life kicks you in the ‘nads and, suddenly, you’re lost and wondering what the hell happened. Whether it’s an illness, an injury, an accident, the loss of a loved one, whatever the setback is, the hardest thing is to figure out how to come back from it.
For me, that was a Stage IIa breast cancer diagnosis in March, 2012. Just as my directing career was looking promising, as everything in my life was becoming exactly what I wanted.
I won’t get into the details of treatment because you all know what that’s about. I was lucky enough to just need a lumpectomy and removal of some lymph nodes. But I didn’t escape chemo or radiation because the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. For about a year, my entire life revolved around cancer and nothing else. Along with treatment, I lost both my parents, had to quit school, take six months off of work, end the best relationship I’ve ever had, and try to hold things together financially. Oh, and moved and got hit by a car. Yeah, life kicked hard.
It’s taken me the better part of two years to begin to feel like myself again, to begin to feel that I can find my way back to where I was pre-diagnosis and make up for lost time. But how to do that? How do you start again when you’ve gone through something that is life-changing?
I have no secret answers. I have no deep and powerful wisdom. This is just what I’m doing.
1) While you’re in the midst of whatever hell you’re struggling through, find a way to keep doing what you love.
If you’re a writer, write. Even if it’s just writing “god, I hate this”. If you’re an artist, create. If you’re a filmmaker, make short films or a vlog. I was lucky enough to have several projects going on while I was in treatment that had no deadlines. I was able to illustrate a children’s book, doing twenty-seven original oil paintings (“Zwoosh!”, which is currently available HERE). I just took my time and worked on them as I could. I had an understanding partner on the project who continued to encourage me and support me as I went. I also began my graphic novel at the same time. Again, just something to do to keep me busy, to keep my brain going and to keep me plugged in to what I love. (You can check it out HERE.) A friend also invited me to direct a couple of staged readings, as they didn’t require a lot of rehearsal time and weren’t terribly demanding physically. Kept me going, kept me inspired and kept reminding me of who I was.
2) As best you can, stay in touch with your network.
Be honest about where you are, what you’re struggling with, and you’ll be surprised by the compassion and support that comes back. It will also make it easier when you’re ready to get back into life if you haven’t lost touch with those who can guide you back to your path.
3) Be okay with not being okay.
We put such pressure on ourselves to be perfect and okay immediately following something traumatic. We’re not. And we won’t be. It takes time. And that’s okay. When you can’t work, you can’t work. When you need to heal, you need to heal. What we do is amazing and creative and beautiful and awesome. But no one is going to die if you need a day to just sit on the couch and cry. People will understand if you need a few minutes to pull yourself together. You need to heal or you’re not going to be good for anyone, especially yourself. It’s hard for me when I have to say no to something because I’m just not up to it. But if I don’t, I won’t be good for the next thing. So pick and choose, take your time, be okay with not being okay.
4) Make the effort to reconnect when you’re on the other side of things.
People tend to take a step back and leave you alone, thinking that you need time. And you do. But they don’t know when you’re ready to start again, so you have to let them know. Be honest about what you can do. I still struggle with energy and fatigue and probably will for the next two or three years. So I’m honest when I go into a project so those who are involved are aware of my limitations and can help me get through a project in a healthy way. I shot the teaser for my IndieGoGo campaign just two weeks after getting hit by a car. Everyone on the crew very gently took care of me without making a big deal about it. They knew I had trouble standing, yet I can’t sit when I direct. So those around me keep slipping a stool under my butt and gently making me sit. People care and people will take care of you, if you will let them. So let them.
5) Surround yourself with those who inspire you.
One thing that has helped me get back on my feet is spending time with the artists from the Original Drink and Draw Social Club. These guys inspire me and challenge me and make me want to be a better artist. They were so incredibly kind to me when I was in treatment. My mentor, Jeff Johnson, would pick me up and drive me to Drink and Draw because my car wasn’t running. He kept me on track on my comic book while I was in treatment with giving me gentle guidance and encouraging me to keep on track. When I need a dose of inspiration, these guys fill my soul and keep me going.
6) Reconnect with your passion.
Why did you start writing? Why did you start making films? Costumes? Whatever it is. Approach it with no agenda. Go to a convention just to go and have fun. Enjoy watching the people. Seek the people who inspired you to do what you do. Get lost in what you love and let it back into your life.
7) It’s okay to be afraid.
I’m terrified. Terrified that I won’t get back what I lost. Terrified that I will never direct anything ever again. Terrified that my graphic novel will be a huge failure. I used to be fearless. I jumped without fear, I tackled projects that I was told I shouldn’t, and I made them succeed. Now, I’m trying to get that fearlessness back. Because if we live in fear, we’ll never get back to what we want. So… jump. Acknowledge your fear and then tell it to go to hell and fight past it.
It won’t be easy. You won’t want to do it some days. But then you’ll have days, like today, where you choose to get back into life. Where your heart and your mind poke you and say, hey, it’s time. Let’s go.
Listen. And jump.