Charlize Theron, Scarlett Johansson, Amber Heard, January Jones, Kaley Cuoco, Katrina Bowden, Rachel fucking McAdams, Maggie Grace… all gorgeous, talented and blonde.
And when I say gorgeous I mean like “maybe Harrison Bergeron isn’t such a bad idea”, unfairly pretty. I think we can agree that looking like any of those ladies is a pretty hefty social advantage and most of us would be lying if we hadn’t cursed our faces at least once, and thought, “if ONLY I was stunning and blonde, with blue eyes, this wouldn’t be so hard”. They won all sorts of genetic lotteries and I’m not going to get all agro about their success because they all worked their butts off for it, but man, sometimes it sucks to see who’s working and then to look in the mirror and contemplate why you’re even here. By here, I mean Los Angeles.
It’s an interesting thing, living in LA. You can be fit, eat right, wear sunscreen, get your hair blown out (or whatever) and then hit the town a feel like you’re a disgusting unattractive, blob monster who should be locked in a tower somewhere to spare the rest of the world from having to look at you. LA is full of gorgeous people who will make you (you’re also gorgeous, btw) feel like you’re the scum of the earth. Here, there is always someone better looking (unless you’re Charlize Theron I guess). When this happens I recommend hopping a plane to O’Hare and sitting among the sweaty, harried, international travelers who are bloated on airline peanuts and high altitudes and remind yourself how awesome you are (and how you don’t eat carbs, legumes, or after 3pm, am I right?)
So, anyway, to summarize so far, people in LA are better looking than you, and if they are blonde they’re better people in life.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S HOPE! I don’t know if you’ve watched TV a lot lately but blonde is so not hot right now, and more importantly, and the reason for this entire article, so thanks for waiting this long for me to get to my fucking point, there’s a GAJILLION young, gorgeous 20-something blondes in Los Angeles!
When the head cheerleader graduates from high school, it’s law in some places to put her on a bus and ship her to Los Angeles with a copy of “Oh the places you’ll go” inscribed with a note about how pretty she is and how she’ll take LA by storm! SERIOUSLY! LOOK IT UP! (Don’t look it up.)
They arrive in droves. The prettiest, most popular, sometimes the most talented in their town (but realistically, not talented at all, which is great for the rest of us) blonde girls arrive with their perfect blue eyes, straight, white teeth, flawless skin and they get into line with the rest of the blonde girls. Sucks to be you blonde girl because you look like everyone else. Yeah so what if you are literally a living god, I will book more commercials than you.
Let’s take a minute to consider the odds. Let’s say there’s 100 parts being cast for an attractive, blonde, caucasian 20-something woman. There are probably 10,000 girls that could all fit the breakdown. NOW let’s say there’s 5 parts being cast for an attractive, South Asian, 20-something woman – well ladies, that might not be as many parts but if you are of South Asian descent your competition is minimal. And hello, ‘Mindy Project? Totally bookable. You have a REAL opportunity to shine here.
Embrace the things that make you unique because those are the things that make you stand out when the audition waiting room is a sea of girls who all fit the breakdown. Live your uniqueness everyday. This isn’t about loving yourself necessarily, although you should, and I’m not suggesting that any efforts you make to better your health or improve your “looks” are career killers, or anti-you (I love me some Botox). I’m certainly not advocating an unhealthy lifestyle for the sake of casting, but I am offering that you can remain YOU, however you are, and that there’s going to be something about YOU that sets off bells for a casting director.
A swarm of clones would make for dreadful television and doesn’t accurately represent the inhabitants of this lovely planet we are slowly destroying by idling in traffic trying to get our auditions on the West Side. YOU make life interesting for the people around you so make it interesting for us too, and be grateful that you don’t look like every other girl here, I know I am.
Spay and Neuter your pets.
-Verona*
ps. If you are a stunning 20-something blonde girl and now you’re miffed, GIRL! YOU ARE A STUNNING 20-SOMETHING BLONDE GIRL! ENJOY THAT SHIT! GET OFF THE INTERNET!