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Are you being honest with yourself?

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Jackie Clifford.jpgHello friends and strangers! Today I want to talk about being honest with yourself.  I want to talk about this because it’s been at the forefront of my mind.  I’ve been doing quite a bit of self-inventory lately and I’ve discovered that if I am being honest with myself, I’ve been living too much in the past and in the future, and not enough in the present.  I’m not the person I was 10 years ago, a year ago, or even a month ago, and I’m not the person I envision myself to be in a month, a year, or 10 years from now.  I am who I am today.   O.k., so that might sound sort of obvious.  But, hang tight and let’s look at this a little bit deeper because I think it’s very important to look at.

I have a friend who at one point in time went to the gym almost every single day.  They felt great about it and it was a wonderful priority in their life.  Then some life circumstance things started happening that prevented them from sticking to the gym schedule they once had.  No biggie, shit happens.  But, what I noticed was that whenever the topic of going to the gym came up among friends, this one friend would still proudly boast that they went to the gym almost every day. I spent a lot of time with this person so I knew that this wasn’t the case, and hadn’t been the case for several months.  The thing is I don’t think that she was intentionally lying.  I just think that she was living so much in the past that she didn’t even realize that her current reality had actually changed, or conversely she was living in the future, and knew that she would just get back into it tomorrow… And, I’m not going to lie, I found her delusional thinking a little bit disturbing.  But, then I realized the ways in which I’ve been doing the same thing, but with acting!!  Ahh!  It never fails people. We are all mirrors to one another.

There was a time in my life when acting was everything.  I acted almost every single day.  I felt very confidant in my skills as an actor, and it was a wonderful time in my life. I worked very hard, and was quite dedicated to it.  Over the years my day jobs, the business of acting, relationships, and other distractions got in the way of this.  But, up until quite recently, I held onto this vision of myself from years ago, and believed that I was somehow still this same person.  The truth is, I’m not.  That’s o.k., but it’s vitally important for me that I am truthful about this with myself.

I want to ACT.  Ideally, I want to act in projects that require all of my acting faculties.  I want to play roles that require me to do all of my acting “homework.”  I love the reward that comes from having figured out the beats, the actions, the objectives.  I enjoy all of the sensory and imagination work too. And, I love how when I’m going about my day-to-day different ideas, angles, or insights will just pop into my mind about the character I’m playing.  The reward from having done all of this homework occurs when I actually do the scene, and it comes alive in ways I didn’t even fathom it could.  So that being said, how often do you think I actually do all of this? Honestly, about once a week if I’m lucky.

Well, once a week isn’t enough.  However, every single day is not a part of my current reality either.  I have other priorities and dreams that take precedence too. I’m not counting the commercial auditions that I go on, or the business of acting work that I do.  That stuff is important and can pay the bills, but it’s not the in depth acting work that I desire, it’s not the reason why I have made two cross-country moves in the past 8 years.

Listen, if I wanted to, I could give you a handful of reasonable excuses for all of this. However, if I am living in the present, none of those reasons really matter.  What matters is what I’m going to do about it-NOW, not tomorrow, but now.  Today after I finish this blog and eat some dinner, I am going to get cozy with the script that I am working on in my scene study class, and I’m going to do all of that wonderful homework I outlined above.  Today I am determined to be in line with my own desires.  Tomorrow, I will need to do something else. And, at the end of the week, I am going to take a look at how I’ve spent my time, and if I’m not happy with it, I will adjust accordingly the following week.

I hope this resonates with some of you in one way or another. If it does, leave me a comment below! I’d love to hear about your journey 😉

About Jackie Fogel

Actor - Hi, I’m Jackie Fogel! I’ve lived in Los Angeles for the past 4 years, and like so many people who end up here, I moved to L.A. to realize my dream of becoming a successful actor. I’m still working on that dream, and I work towards it every day, but if my happiness were based solely on my career, let’s just say I wouldn’t be winning any Miss Congeniality awards. One of the things that has helped make me a more well-rounded and consequently happier person has been cross-fit and following a mostly paleo diet. But, it’s been quite the journey leading me up to this point. Join me in my blog as I reflect on the crazy road that’s lead me here.