The other day I was sharing a meal with a friend of mine, and we were discussing having friends in successful places. I think most of us have been there; having either long-time friends who have recently ascended the ladder of success, or establishing new contacts who are already quite high on the proverbial pecking order.
I also think most of us have heard the adage about our biz, “It’s all about who you know.” In that, I feel there’s an expectation that to succeed, one must use who one knows. Which is fine, I suppose. It’s the game we all have to play.
But is it really fine? I am not in the practice of using anyone. For me, a girl inherently shy, who dreads schmoozing and shudders at the thought of imposing, I cannot imagine walking up to a friend or colleague and just saying, Hey girl, can you get me in on that super awesome project of yours so maybe I can succeed too? Egads. I could just die.
But don’t we have to do just that? Isn’t that the whole point? If that is the truth at the very basic level – the shameful truth* perhaps, but truth nonetheless – how many layers of tact and politesse does one put on before becoming so meek one says nothing at all? It’s a very delicate balance.
*I would like to note, you can be as genuine and well-intentioned as granny’s apple pie and still come across as tacky as wet tar. The goal is to be direct and honest but to go about this “using one’s contacts” thing and maintain our integrity with respect for our friends and colleagues.
We mused on the problem and came away with this:
First off, if she is a true friend, you are both there to support each other in your losses and celebrate each other’s victories. Fact. When a power status changes, if your friend is still a true friend she will let you know she’s still there with you. It is a humbling, scary vulnerable place to be in having successful friends when you feel you’re still struggling. To both parties I say: Keep being each other’s friend. Support. Celebrate. Communicate. It’s not about giving each other handouts and mooching off the successful friend because Oh well she’s my friend, so of course she’ll just give me stuff and share the power of her accomplishments. Well, no, you still should be earning each other’s respect. So just keep doing that! 🙂
New acquaintances are a little trickier. You don’t know their tastes, so what if you offend them by asking?! You always run that risk. BUT! I have learned this though, and it has helped me immensely in navigating networking, if they don’t know you are interested in or have a skill to add to the project, how could and why would they invite you to be involved? Simple, right? On my last project, I learned a colleague of mine in the show was also a working scenic designer and artist as well as an actor. During a break, I said to him that I also am an artist and have had scenic experience and should he ever need help painting, I would be very interested in doing so. Simple. (I also made a joke about not wanting to pimp myself out too much ha ha…you know, ice breaker. Because I’m still Awkward Sally sometimes, despite my best efforts.) Sure enough, having followed up with him with examples of my work, he invited me to work on his next set. Ta da! You don’t have to push any agenda to get your point across.
I also think it helps if you intend to earn your keep. Asking if a friendly colleague would feel comfortable putting in a good word for you with their friend the Casting Director when it comes time for auditions is VERY different than asking them to get you cast without auditioning at all.
This is still new stuff I am learning. They didn’t teach these lessons where I went to conservatory, alas. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below!
xo Jennifer