I was stopped in my tracks with a single question last month. A woman asked me, “When you aren’t working here, do you do acting on the side?”
WELL, SHIT.
Several instinctive choice responses raced through me. 1: Burst into tears. 2: Use my quick thinking skills to reply “No, actually I’m an actor that works here on the side”. 3: Declare her dead to me and forever ignore her. 4: List off my training and accomplishments to show how silly that question was.
Wanna know which I did? I chose number 5: none of the above. I fumbled through an answer about working here ‘just for now’ and how sometimes auditions get ‘kinda slow’ and ‘ya gotta pay the bills somehow’. And then? I got super mad at myself. What was my problem? Why did I get so defensive over some small talk?
The same craptastic tongue-tied phenomena happens when someone says “Hey, are you still trying to do that acting thing?” In my head, I instantly go to all the seemingly negative implications: clearly they think I’m wasting my precious time STILL TRYING to chase a silly dream! How foolish! How childish! Nothing makes me feel embarrassed by my life choices faster, and I instantly clam up.
Does any of this sound familiar to anyone else? If you are a free-lancing, day-jobbing, figuring-it-out-as-I-go creative soul like me (or if you are a friend or relative of this type of person) it probably does. These exchanges happen casually on a daily basis, and usually leave both parties feeling deeply misunderstood.
Consider this article a PSA for the navigation of such encounters.
Truth bomb time: it’s a safe bet that anything along the lines of “Are you still trying that whole doctoring/lawyering/dentistry thing?” doesn’t happen often. Nope, these ambiguous questions are reserved for the freelancing, sometimes struggling, up-against-all-odds-because-it-feels-so-good crowd. There’s an unfortunate taboo that comes with bravely pursing the creative endeavor that brings you joy unlike anything else in your life. Uncertainty is thrilling to some, confusing to most, and scary as hell to all of us at one time or another. But, the pursuit of that endeavor is incredibly fulfilling and worth the scariness and that’s why we continue to do it.
After some soul-searching and self-control that comes only with maturity (Jersey girls aren’t known for their polite nature. I’ve come a long way!) I’ve reached a few major revelations.
First, as the person in question… In order to be taken seriously you must drop the insecurities and take yourself just as seriously as you want to be taken. Cut the stumble-y explanations, and own your choices as the fully-realized, joy-filled adventures that they are. It’s totally ok for people to be curious or confused about non-traditional life choices: your job is to express the meaningful reasons that have made you shape your whole life around your drive to succeed. The last thing you want is to feel embarrassed about the things that normally make you feel proud, so check yo’self before you wreck yo’self, friends.
Second, as the questioner… Revisit your grade school Golden Rule to always treat others the way you want to be treated. It’s simple, it’s basic, and it’s often overlooked when subjects arise that you might not understand or agree with. The freedom to choose who we become is a powerful and amazing thing, and must be respected. Regardless of your own life path, it is simply not ok to treat someone’s aspirations as a phase you hope they grow out of.
I can only assume that these encounters come from a healthy mixture of curiosity, interest in my well-being, and a general confusion of how things work in my world. To take a good job in a bank or in healthcare is infinitely easier to explain because all well-intentioned, curious family members understand those jobs – they are clearly outlined in society, and bring a level of safety that we as human beings crave. But, at the risk of sounding childishly rebellious: so f-ing what? Easily defined, clearly outlined careers don’t make me feel vibrantly alive and full of possibilities.
For me, feeling fully alive is more important than feeling safe all the time.
So, let them fumble their words and be unclear on your choices if they can’t find a nicer way to say things. Hell, let YOURSELF fumble and be unclear on your choices if that’s what you are feeling in that moment: evolving and figuring things out is part of the amazing journey called Life that we are so lucky to be on.
We are actors, we are writers, we are creators of art. We cannot let their need for a clear social outline override our need for expression, so just let people ask weirdly-worded questions if they must. They care about you and how you are, and that’s ultimately a good thing: don’t be mad at them for it, and don’t let it get inside your head. Know that what seems intuitive to some can seem equally counter-intuitive to others; they understand your choice of sometimes-scary uncertainty about as much as you understand their choice of sometimes-mundane stability.
You do you, boo.