Jealousy and back biting seem to run rampant in our industry. I think it’s a very sad thing that friends and colleagues can’t be happy for others when something finally goes right after much struggle. Because that’s what it’s all about…struggle. People go through a lot of it to get where they want to be. And usually many years of it, to land their dream job, or to get something funded and see it go to camera. I have a fair amount of experience with this through dealing with my own career, while attempting to cheerlead for my friends at the same time.
A few years back a former colleague of mine got a film funded. This was a very lovely human being and it couldn’t have happened to anyone nicer. I was thrilled to bits for her! Better yet her husband had written the screenplay so it was a double shot of good news. We ran into each other at an awards show and I approached the two of them and told them how fantastic this all was, and wished them luck moving forward. I gave her a well-deserved hug, and stood back to see her eyes were full of tears. She said to me “Do you know you’re the only friend I’ve got that’s happy for me? It’s like everybody thinks I’m taking something away from them.” I think she’d hit the nail on the head.
There is so much competition in our industry that when somebody wins the lottery and something good happens in their career the vultures start circling. Really pissed off vultures, who will quite happily tell anybody willing to listen that you don’t deserve it, that you suck at your job, and they are the ones who should be going into production. They rip the recipient of a bit of good luck to shreds because it somehow makes them feel better about themselves. Dr. Phil calls it levelling. In other words people bring others down to their perceived level because their egos can’t stand to see someone getting ahead of them or “winning” for once.
I think this can become a nasty habit over time when things haven’t gone our way for a long time, and it seems like our struggles and hard work will never pay off. You see somebody else succeeding and you start to question what they’ve got that you don’t. Why are they getting their shot and things aren’t panning out for you? It doesn’t seem fair sometimes but trust me it is. The process is working… but maybe not the way we want it to.
The thing I’ve noted over the years is that it’s the people who put themselves on the line over and over again, that enter every contest known to man, that are juggling ten projects at one time attempting to move them forward, that are knocking on a lot of doors asking for meetings, that are sticking their necks out willing to get their head shot off (yes rejection can feel like that) – these are the people who time and time again will keep moving forward and there’s a reason for it. Yes a little bit of luck (there’s something to be said for being in the right place at the right time) but mostly hard work, talent and persistence. That’s the formula and not everybody has it. Many are lacking in the persistence category.
Always remember not to take away from other people’s successes! It’s important, particularly as women, to show each other support. We need to hear the words “congratulations I’m happy for you”. Trust me it means a lot! To say any less is petty and cruel, and makes you look like a sore loser. It also communicates that you’re not convinced your own day will come, and one day you will be in the exact same position looking for kudos from your friends and colleagues – and you’ll feel like crap when they aren’t forthcoming. I know… I’ve been there!
I always make a habit of saying “Good for them” even if it’s something that I’ve read in the news that happened to strangers. Doing this puts you into a different mind-set. It takes you out of the me me me focus, and allows you to become part of the human race. And being part of the human race requires that you act decently and respectfully to your fellow man (or in this case women). It forces you to stop looking at things through the distorted lens of self, and the oh whoa is me, life ain’t fair attitude. You’re forced to see things from another perspective and think about how someone else might be feeling at that point in time, and what it took for them to get there. Because as much as we like to kid ourselves, their path wasn’t any easier than ours. They earned it and so will you!
I also believe in energy and that like attracts like to itself. If you’re constantly putting negative stuff out into the world bitching and moaning about what others got and you didn’t get you’re just in for more of the same. It’s easy to get stuck in this mindset, and people notice. Even the colleagues you believe you have close relationships with, that will respect your privacy and not repeat what you’ve said, likely won’t keep that promise. Your Negative Nelly attitude will be spread around to anyone willing to listen. I made the mistake of confiding in the wrong person once about my negative feeling towards a colleague that had risen the ranks quite quickly, and my words came back to bite me in the ass. You’re welcome to feel what you feel, but best to keep it to yourself. Better to put a smile on and say “good for them”, and eventually you might actually mean it.
– Katherine Di Marino