Last month, I talked about my struggle with body image and eating disorders, and spoke candidly about the realization that for most of my adult life I haven’t been happy with the way I look on the outside, no matter what the numbers were on the scale. This month’s “Weighing In”, has nothing to do with weight, but it all goes back to self-love.
I’ve spent the past year, for the most part, living out of three suitcases. In May 2012, I put in a 30-day notice at the town house I rented for the past seven years in Los Angeles, and just let go. I had no plan, other than to find a dream guest house in the Hollywood Hills for me and my kitty-cats.
Long story short, I didn’t find that guest house in 30 days, instead I had a huge yard-sale, said goodbye to many childhood possessions, put a small amount of things in a friends garage, and began what I affectionately termed and blogged about as #GypsyMode.
At first I rented a room in an apt with a friend for a month in West Hollywood, from there I spent 2 months on a friend’s couch in Sherman Oaks. At that point, I was offered a 6 month tour managing gig in Philadelphia (my hometown), and headed east. My car remained in Los Angeles, my youngest kitty moved in with a friend in Gardena, CA, and my oldest kitty got on the airplane with me.
The tour gig ended abruptly after 3 months, so from there I rented a room in Manhattan for 30 days and blogged about my Adventures In NY I then spent a few weeks in Las Vegas, and a week in Atlantic City, New Jersey; working at tradeshows and conventions.
And from there, I went to Nashville, where I lived on an acre of land, and was a nanny for three boys ages 10, 5, and 3. I truly wish I had done a Nashville blog similar to my NY blog as it was a magnificent month of spiritual growth.
That was my year in a nutshell, and in March of this year, just before Wonder Con, I returned to Los Angeles. I had a pet-sitting job set up for 3 weeks and after that, I wasn’t sure what was next, but I knew that I was tired, and I wanted to unpack my suitcases, reunite my 2 kitties, drive my own car again, and for all intents and purposes be still for a while.
So here I am 2 months into LA, had a GREAT panel at Wonder Con, have had non-stop press for various activities and projects I’m involved with, have moved into a beautiful guest-room in a house in the Hollywood Hills, reunited with both kitty cats and my car, am working on two great film projects, and I’m still feeling like it’s not enough.
Wait? What? A year ago, I sold all of my things and was basically “homeless” travelling like a gypsy, and now, I’m back in LA with all of the things I said I wanted, and it’s not enough?!
I went to my favorite Tuesday Yoga Class at Runyan Canyon this morning. It’s beautiful, donation-based, every week, in the park. Kamala & Siri from Fire Groove teach the class, and today’s focus was on really breathing love and gratitude into your life, into whatever place you are, whatever pose, however far you can or cannot reach. Be happy and grateful for where you are.
At the end of class, they invited us to pick a card from a deck they had spread on a yoga mat. I don’t recall the name of the deck, but it was from the teachings of Esther & Abraham Hicks. The card I chose said, “See What You Want To See.”
And it hit me… I’m looking at my life and I’m still seeing struggle and lack and loneliness. Just like the me that looks at myself in the mirror and sees “fat” no matter what the scale says, I’m looking at my external world and seeing lack.
So as of today, I’m changing that viewpoint, because you know what? I’m writing this blog from a gorgeous guest-room in the Hollywood Hills, it came fully furnished with the most comfortable bed I’ve ever slept on! I have my own bathroom. My two cats are healthy, happy, and laying on the bed next to me. My car is parked outside. I’m working on two amazing film projects, with a cast and crew sure to make anyone take notice. I have food in the refrigerator, money in my bank account, and more jobs lined up.
I am in Los Angeles, making my dreams come true. And I have family and friends that love and adore me. It’s true, we see what we want to see, and what we see becomes our reality.
I know this is all part of my journey to self-love, and I choose a new course today, the course I’m on is one of improvement each and every day, filled with gratitude and love for how far I’ve come, what I’ve accomplished, and the beauty and opportunity that presents itself to me (and you) every single day… all we have to do is SEE IT.
LIVE LOVE. LOVE LIFE.