Well, hello there! I’m back again for the second installment of my European Filmmaking Adventure Diary. Last month’s post gave the skinny on who I am and what the heck I’m doing here. If you haven’t read it, check it out here.
Now that you’re caught up on things, lemme get into this month’s adventures on the road to creating my European film…
Learning By Doing
Remember how I said I knew next to nothing about making a film? Right, so the first thing I wanted to do to remedy that was… make a film. Get one under my belt before the stakes are higher and I find myself in a country where I don’t speak the language. (Well, I have the fundamentals… “Un vino rosso, per favore”)
So, I wrote this short – and what I ignorantly thought, simple – three-page script with no dialogue, and set myself a deadline shoot date of March 22nd. As the deadline approached, and I found myself still trying to find a producer and a crew, location scouting (for 6 locations?! Umm, who thought this was simple??), sourcing a selection of 1950’s costuming with a budget of about $50 (mmhmm, so simple!), writing breakdowns, creating budgets, etc – I began to feel a little in over my head.
Wonder Woman. Wünder Breakdown
Add to that mix the fact that I’m an actor, managing side-job goodness, working on launching my coaching business, being a contributing member of a domestic partnership, and maintaining my well-being.
It was time for a little WONDER WOMAN BREAKDOWN!!
Just two days before I hit the wall, I watched this incredible TED Talk by Dr Libby Weaver, titled “The pace of modern life versus our Cavewoman biochemistry”. It rocked my world and as a I watched it, I knew! I was living it! This state of: go-go-go, the frantic double shift, trying to be all things to all people, running on empty, can’t cope, want it all… but I’m not good enough.
Sound familiar to anyone???
So I watch this TED Talk, and acknowledge I’m in this state of living the hectic “Modern Wonder Woman Life”, and I breathe, and I meditate, and I keep on going because I’m committed out of my mind to having these things. But I’m still riding that razors edge. Underneath the focused exterior there’s this sneaky sub-conscious voice that wants to tell me that I’m just not up to the job.
A couple of days after watching the TED Talk, that sneaky voice comes spewing to the surface. A friend invited me out for drinks to celebrate some exciting news, what should have been a simple “I’m sorry, I’m not available tonight. How about tomorrow instead?” turned into a total meltdown, sounding more like “I’m a terrible friend. I feel horrible for letting them down. It’s all too much.” and so on.
Completely unnecessary reaction! Or was it?..
Breakdown Leads To Breakthrough
One thing I know for sure is that breakdown leads to breakthrough. And this one was ripe for the happening. After I cried and vented and talked things out with my Mr, I came to this epic breakthrough…
When that overwhelmed feeling starts to creep up on you…It’s got NOTHING to do with not being good enough and EVERYTHING to do with pushing yourself to grow and being committed to creating big shit in your life!
- So often, the further you push yourself out of your comfort zone the louder these inner “nay-sayer” voices will get
- Almost all pressure is perceived
- You’re allowed to say no.
- And…You almost always feel better after a cry.
As soon as that lightbulb moment struck, I felt like a new woman! Energized, I wiped the tears away. And my mind was clear again.
That night I wrote a new script, with TWO locations (my apartment and the street outside) and NO special costume requirements (NOW WHO’S SIMPLE?!). I reached out to some more connections (friends of friends of friends) to look for producing support and a production crew, and the very next day I had a meeting setup with this woman who has turned out to be awesome!
We are set to shoot the simpler script on Friday the 13th (superstitious much?). I’m still working on getting a crew together and it’s a little scary that the shoot date is less than a week away and we don’t have a camera person… But I can always push the shoot date (afterall it’s my self-imposed deadline.
And most importantly?… I’m learning. Every. Single. Day.
I’m so grateful you’re sharing this journey with me.
Til next time, here’s to breakdowns!