Well, it’s February. The month of love and I have been thinking so much about it lately. I am one of the lucky ones who has an epic love with another person and I am eternally grateful for it.
That said, I have, in the past had an epic love-hate relationship with myself. In the recent past, it has been a growing hate relationship for sure and no matter how hard I tried, I could not get the self-love thing to work. I did the mantras, I read the books, I took the baths, I went to the spa…all of it.
And I just couldn’t figure out how to start to love myself – until recently.
January brought a lot of reflecting time for me and in that reflection time, I started to get really real with myself. I had to be really honest. What I was doing with my career was not what I dreamed of my whole life. I had let my ego take over and my creative soul felt like it was dying on a daily basis. Dramatic? Maybe. But, that’s what it felt like to me. So, I took a deep breath and asked myself “if you had all the money in the world, what would you do?” And, my heart sang out that I would be an actor and an author.
In that moment I made the painful, but ultimately brave decision to honor that voice and to give myself permission to follow my true dream again even though I am now 41. Even though I haven’t acted in 15 years. Even though my body might not be up for it. I decided that I couldn’t go one more day without at least giving it a try. There’s nothing I can do about being 41, we all age. There’s nothing I can do about the fact that I haven’t acted in 15 years. There’s nothing I can do about the fact that in my self hatred, I punished my body. The thing I can do is practice my craft, get back out there and work to make my body stronger and healthier than it’s ever been. I gave myself permission to change my mind, but only after really giving it a shot.
This decision was one of the scariest of my life, but as I made it, my heart started to open and I realized that the self-hatred I’ve been feeling for a decade was me being angry with me for not listening to my heart, for giving up on my life-long dream.
And, as scary as the jump is, it is the first thing that feels absolutely right in years. And, guess what – instead of feeling so much frustration and self-hatred, my heart is full. Full of love and compassion for myself for taking such a leap, one of complete and total faith.
So, in this month of love, I invite you to really look at your life and make sure that if you’re feeling anything other than love for yourself, that you ask “am I really following my true dreams?” Because I’ve learned that following your dreams is the best form of self-love around.