Welcome back to my column. It is the 1 year anniversary of Ms. In The Biz. It is crazy how fast time flies. I cannot believe I have been a part of this great and inspiring community for a year.
I though of doing some sort of retrospective but in the interest of full steam ahead, I am going to leave the past where it is and talk about the present.
I started writing this post a week ago, and had it almost complete but just wasn’t happy with it, so I asked for an extension. I didn’t know what I was going to change about what I had written. Then last night it came to me, and I deleted the whole damn thing.
I read a fellow blogger’s post: the lovely Silvana Gargione ‘s “When I Stopped Being Pretty.” I guess it really affected me because it got me thinking. She said “Embrace what you ACTUALLY are.” I feel like in my everyday life I do just that, I am outspoken, opinionated, and pretty damn independent. I don’t worry about pleasing anyone or fitting a mold. I listen to Indy music, and hang out with artists and go where my whims take me. And I encourage everyone around me to do the same thing, to stop apologizing for who they are and be themselves. I didn’t realize I wasn’t holding to that in my career.
I really really love when someone or something makes me take a real look at myself. I enjoy change, and growth so much. And I gotta say I needed a good kick in the ass. I have been so concerned with being the most bland, acceptable version of myself, and I didn’t even know it. As I have stated in past blogs, I only have commercial representation so needless to say I mainly go out for commercials. I cover my tattoos, like a good girl, go to my closet to the section I deem, -clothes fit for auditioning and nothing else EVER- and I pick out the perfect ‘young suburban mom’ outfit so I look the part. Problem is I never feel the part. It feels forced and inorganic every time I visit that part of the closet.
I think part of the issue is that we want to be what ‘they’ want, only who the hell knows what that is. So we try to bring ourselves to the roles without offending anyone too much with our sensibilities. I think I always feel like there are so many people in my category, and I do keep hearing this from prospective agents and managers, but you know what…. I have been keeping myself in this category, and for what?? I take the headshots I am supposed to with the clothes I am supposed to wear instead of things I enjoy wearing. I take the ‘mom shot’ and the ‘nurse shot’ and the ‘office worker shot’ but I take them in the most soft and easy to digest way. I am through doing this. I am going to make an effort to stop doing things that feel forced and go with my gut from now on. So what if there are less roles for the less main stream people. They will be the right roles for me. I want to be myself in every walk of my life. We shall see how it impacts things moving forward. Stay tuned.