We’re all on the path and we’re hustling our tushies off along the way. But, if you’re anything like me, few of you reading this feel like you’ve MADE IT in Hollywood yet. That elusive I’ll-know-it-when-I-feel-it success that we all try not to obsess over but that nonetheless hovers like a little goblin, unmentioned, just out of reach, on the other end of that script or voicemail message or meeting or audition. Will this be the one that changes everything? And when the residuals finally DO start rollin’ in and the title on the door states that a fancy person works here, and the calls change from the snooty “who are you?” to the grovelly “would you consider…?” there will be but ONE BIG MYSTERY left to solve:
What kind of a famous person will you be?
I have three friends who’ve been personal assistants to celebrities in Hollywood. I’ll call them the Writer, the Actress, and the Director – because that’s what they are, and because NDA’s are serious business, people. But this I can say: all three of them are savvy, smart, wildly artistic, and admirably ambitious brunettes (that’s beside the point but true) pursuing the aforementioned careers. And all three of them found themselves, within their first year in Hollywood, accepting a “day” job that entailed working for a powerful and well-known female actress starring in her own TV show. Phew. That’s a lot of mizzes in the biz.
I’ve heard the tales, both inspiring and harrowing, and I’m here to say: when your fame comes, take heed! Don’t make your assistant who hates needles sit and watch as a nurse administers a weekly IV drip of B12 into your veins, just because you’re in the mood for companionship.
All three ladies I spoke with for this article had crazy stories, of course. One went on a wild goose chase for a rare and highly specific color of frosting for a birthday cake with hours to spare, and spoke of “a general sense of extreme exceptional-ism… that any whim can be realized… even if it would be crazy for an average person to ask, to her it’s like asking to pass the salt.” Another was stuck missing an important event in her own life because the star she was working for “insisted that I stay to let in the plumber for a stopped-up toilet while the star went out to dinner with a friend. Like, for real people, this is exactly when you cancel your plans.” The third had to help arrange an impulsive late-night romantic getaway via private jet that cost more than said assistant would make in a year.
And each of my friends sought to maintain some sort of boundaries in the famously boundary-defying job – though, as the song of the summer pointed out, there’s inevitably some blurred lines. The Director laughs, “one moment I was in Nordstrom hunting down the perfect winter boot for my employer to no avail and trying not to think about how ridiculous this assignment was and how small I felt; the next I was answering my cellphone and covering my other ear to drown out the department store muzak because here was my employer on the other end of the line breathlessly asking me for love life advice with genuine worry in her voice.” The Actress was driving her employer to set at the crack of dawn when her employer got a call that there was a death in the family. “The boundaries in a scenario like traumatic loss are totally broken down,” remembers the Actress. The Writer points out that “traveling with someone is incredibly intimate, especially late at night. All professionalism goes out the window because we are so tired.”
Of course when you’re a celebrity personal assistant, you get a backstage pass to the star’s life – from red carpet prep (the Director says “now I know why it takes four hours! Oh my god, the gossiping between my boss and her hair and makeup artists!”) to the private details of the employer’s day-to-day life (how one frets over her child’s grades, how much another paid for the house she bought, how she memorizes lines or doesn’t). All this vicarious living of another person’s life can seep into the subconscious: the Director admits it’s been over a year since she left the job but she still has dreams about her old employer, and the Writer says she can see how an assistant’s life can easily “melt into the persona of your employer.”
But even more detrimental, the job can also inhibit the assistants’ own creative pursuits. Careers are hard enough to get off the ground in this town without throwing so much energy into another’s career; and frankly without the daily reminder that you’re celebrity adjacent – always the assistant, never the star. The Director received a talking-to from her employer after delicately mentioning the heartbreak she was feeling from a gig on the side for which she was passed over. The star didn’t offer to help (“not expected, but it would have been nice”) but rather proceeded to lecture that it’ll all work out, that it had for her, after all, and that every door that closes… etc etc. Possibly true, definitely infuriating to hear. The Director explains, “yes, in a way it was encouraging to get a pep-talk from my celebrity boss. Totally surreal. But more than anything I was left with the feeling that this woman has no idea just how much luck played into her success. Hidden behind her sweet words was the message: if you don’t make it, you probably don’t deserve to.”
No one needs to hear how hard it is to be a famous person in this day and age. We all know the paparazzi are creepy and invasive. We get that it’s difficult to remain grounded amidst all the hoopla as it comes and goes and comes again. And we can imagine that it must be unsettling not to be able to trust people for fear that they just want a piece of your success. But each of the assistants I spoke with eyes their experience now with a clearer sense of the famous person she would like to be, if and when the success goblin comes a-knockin’.
And, y’all? As much as I’d love to present you with a Buzzfeed-esque listicle, there’s really just one item on it:
- Be grateful. The only thing harder than mustering true gratitude when things aren’t working out… is mustering it when they are. As soon as fame finds you, it introduces you to its wingmen: entitlement and worry. Entitlement that you’re paid a lot and you’re worth every penny – which can insidiously lead to a sense that those around you who aren’t paid as much must not be as valuable. You know, as humans. Worry that you won’t be able to sustain this level of success, or that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. The Director remembers, “my boss used to complain all the time. Here she was, living the sort of life we all aspire to, with the glamour and the fan love and the knowledge that she’d achieved her dreams, and all she could do was focus on the negative. Sure, life is complicated and fame doesn’t write you a blank check for pure bliss, but neither does it require that you wallow and lose all perspective. I think she may even have thought it made her seem humble to point out what was wrong all the time. But far from it: it made her seem ungrateful, which was closer to the truth.”
So be grateful, dear aspiring Hollywood elite. When success, however we define it, finds us, let’s thank our lucky stars that we’re appreciated in this crazy town. Remember how much timing and the good fortune of those who helped played into this success, in addition to our own tremendous talent. Respect how hard everyone around us is working, despite their pay grade. Work on always expanding our empathy capacity. And ask our assistant what we can do for her.
After all, she’s gonna be huge one day.