So, it’s wedding season if you hadn’t noticed. There are a lot of weddings and wedding-related events to attend, especially this time of year. Last year around this time was MY wedding and soon I’ll be the Matron of Honor at my best friend’s wedding (who happens to be Ms. In the Biz contributor extraordinaire, Tristen MacDonald!). Fun times to be had by all!!
Getting married is no joke. Seriously, planning a wedding is a huge undertaking (a gauntlet of decisions, people’s opinions, details and expectations) if you decide to undertake it. During the planning of a wedding, eloping becomes a VERY attractive proposition indeed! But, of course, weddings can be super fun and be a wonderful lifelong memory you make with all your favorite people, so do what feels right for you and your loved ones in this matter. (This article has nothing do with planning a wedding, but if you have wedding related questions, please feel free to comment below!)
And then there’s that whole marriage thing. ‘Getting’ married and ‘being’ married are two entirely different things. Duh, right? Well, when you’re planning the biggest event of your life where all the most important people in your life are gathered in one place for a short amount of time to witness you making the biggest commitment of your life (gulp…breath)…priorities can get a bit scrambled. Decorative place holders can become a HUGE craft project, and those signature cocktails have to perfectly reflect your personality as a couple, right!?!?! Ahem…
Let’s focus, shall we? Becoming a “Mrs.” is about way more than one day, which becomes very very clear after the fog of wedding clears and the dust of drama settles and all you’re left with is your hopefully-happy memories, some lovely portraits, and maybe some stale cake. And, of course, that wonderful husband or wife of yours. And, yes, it was worth it.
Now That You’re Hitched
Let the baby-making questions begin!! And oh dear god do they come in fast and furious, and just know, they won’t stop coming. Enjoy! (Of course, if you already have kids, congrats, and that’s a whole other article.) You have now entered into the institution of marriage. So, what does that mean exactly? You are now one-half of a lifelong team with someone that you will coexist with, make vacation plans with, make love with, fight with, and maybe make babies with. It’s kinda crazy when you think about the breadth and depth of this relationship. But it’s also pretty incredible and something to be grateful to be a part of.
Don’t Lose Sight
With marriage comes baggage. I mean historical baggage. As in, wifely duties, your position in the family, your responsibility to your elders, and that whole ‘pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen’ thing that our generation is shaking off but can still feel breathing down our neck. Being a wife is a privilege and a responsibility and it has a lot of meaning attached. For everyone it’s different depending on how you grew up, and culturally, there’s stuff to deal with. With all that being said, it can be very easy to get swept up in this new “role” in life. But wait just one second! Here’s where you get to hit pause and decide for yourself what being a wife will mean for you and not let others influence your perspective on the whole thing. You get to decide what being a wife is all about. Have the courage to define your “role”.
What’s Your Name?
Changing your name is a big deal. Whether you do it or not, you had to make that decision and either way…it’s a thing. Personally, I legally added my hubby’s last name to mine…space no hyphen. It allowed me to maintain my sense of individuality and family history, while sharing a last name with my future hypothetical children. Works for me, but do what’s right for you. For you actors out there like me, you can sign all your contracts with your new legal name, but still maintain your “Stage Name” if you like. Simply clarify that in the “Credited as” line in your theatrical contracts, which can eliminate any confusion on IMDB. If you do decide to move forward with a name change, first check with SAG to make sure that your new name is available (only one person per name is allowed). It also wouldn’t hurt to blast out some postcards and emails letting everyone know your happy news and new name. However, maintaining your name can help against creating confusion, especially if you have spent years working to create name recognition with casting directors while also building a brand. Your choice.
Who Are You?
Yes, you are now a wife. But that doesn’t change the core of who you are. Your creative self is still the same fabulous, daring, introspective, outgoing, experimental, truth-seeking, whatever you were before you got married. Don’t forget it! It’s important to protect that part of you, to continue to foster its growth and development, and to nourish it with self-love and personal time.
But You’re Part of a Team Now
And that’s the biggest adjustment. It’s not all about you and your journey anymore…it’s “our” journey. There is a balance to be struck with your new hubby or wifey, and communication, mutual respect of both individuals’ goals, and giving room for each person to grow is a huge part of making it work. You wouldn’t want to be stifled as a creative person, and neither do they. Being understanding and having a plan when it comes to the crazy schedules that come with being in the business will also set you up for far less drama. Set realistic expectations of when you can spend quality time together, and then really make that time count. And remember that this isn’t a competition. Maybe this month your partner booked a huge gig, but you had an “avail” become a “nevermind”. Their win is your win and vice versa. This business takes no prisoners and can feel pretty unforgiving. Be the soft place to land and the rock of support you would want and you will be well on your way to a happily ever after…